From Fat to Fit Chick: : August 2014   

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Finding a New Normal

It's still raw.

If you haven't seen my Facebook posts, my mama passed away on August 21st after suffering a heart attack two weeks ago today.

I feel so lost.

She drove me absolutely crazy sometimes like I think most moms do to their children but she was also my best friend that I could share anything with.

My mama, our dog, and me holding onto my baby sister
My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest.

But here I am.....trying to find a new normal.  Some days have been ok.  Then there are some days where I go to pick up the phone, and I realize I can't call her to tell her what I was thinking or hear what she was thinking.  Or I hear a song she used to love and I just lose it.

I have went through a period where I was barely eating to now wanting to eat everything in sight.  So while I'm coping with losing her, I need to move forward as well, no matter if I want to or not.  She was so proud of me being in magazines and on TV, she told me she was famous too since I came from her :)  I still want to make her proud.  I refuse to gain what I lost back, I will graduate college, and I will be there for my family.

Here I am, yet again, recommitting to my health.  It seems like I've been starting over so much lately.  At least I'm starting to care again.  The past 2 weeks I could have given two shits less about myself.  My first day of school was the day before she passed away and with that and pulling everything together for a memorial service, taking care of the kids.......I've just been functioning.

But as much as I feel like a hole is in my heart, I must keep going.

So I'm going to keep it simple with food, I'm not going to stress about my next half marathon and if I can run it (I'll crawl the damn thing if I have to).....I'm going to try to find the joy in every day again.  It drove my mom crazy that I was so positive but I think she secretly loved it too.

For some reason this saying keeps running through my mind and I'm not sure if it's my mom putting it there or what but I will take it <3

Oh and I apologize if this blog sounded like it makes no sense so please bear with me while I go through my grief.  Writing has always helped me cope with life.



I'll post my dinner menu and simplified plan of action either tonight or tomorrow.  Keep me accountable ok? :)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I never hated myself because I was fat

When I post my before and progress pictures I always get comments like "you were beautiful when you were bigger why hate on yourself?" or "there is nothing repulsive about your before picture" and it always makes me pause.

I never said I hated myself because I was fat.  I might have been disappointed that I let my weight go as far as I did but never did I hate myself for my weight.  In fact I never mention hating myself ever on my side by side pictures.

I did hate myself for a long time though.  I hated myself over deeper things.  Mainly because as a mom I put myself on the very bottom of my priority list and it got to the point where I didn't even know who the hell I was anymore besides being a mom, wife or caregiver in some other way.  I was so much more than that and I hated myself for being a doormat.  I hated myself for not living up to my expectations or dreams.

Every time I would look into the mirror I would feel sadness that I couldn't cope without eating my feelings.  I never hated myself for it though.

When I was severely depressed and wanting to end my life......it wasn't because of my weight.  It was the hopeless despair that I felt because I felt like I lost my identity.  Not because of my weight.

So when I say I decided to be happy & love myself, the weight loss was a side effect.  When you are happy and love yourself, you only want the best for yourself and that was what eating healthy and being active was and still is for me.

This is where going back to college comes in too.  I've always wanted to be someone that worked with animals in some way.  Of course when I was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian but it evolved into helping conserve Louisiana native wildlife and their habitat.  I tried doing the personal trainer thing and while I loved it, it really didn't feel like something I wanted to do forever.  So happiness wins again for me.

Anyway, getting back to the hating thing.........it wasn't because the fact that I was fat, it was the events that lead me to become fat that I hated myself for.

This is why I am such a big proponent for fixing what is going on in your head.  You can try to fix the weight but if you don't figure out what makes you tick and fix the problems that are causing you to be unhappy then it's just like putting a band-aid on something that needs stitches.



Oh and looking back at the girl I was before......I love her and respect her so much.  She did what she could and eventually found the way through to her happiness.  She made me a strong person.  For this, I could never ever hate her.  Looking back at my before pictures makes me happy.  I know how that story ends :)

Friday, August 8, 2014

Let it go! Let it go!


Lately I've been pretty darn happy with myself.  It's not really a bad thing.  A lot of people think just because you are happy that you will slack.  I think that honor would be for being stressed out for me.

So it's time for me to be real right?  When I get real about my journey, the only thing I fear is losing credibility with all of you for not being perfect.  (Just being honest lol it makes me nervous every single time I tell y'all the good, the bad and the ugly)  I gained 10 pounds back when I was going through finals and that puts me at 185 and I have been maintaining ever since.  Not too bad when I wasn't eating as well as I could have been during finals.  The maintaining I'm just taking as being very lucky.  lol I'll take it.

And you know what I have done about it?


I'm sorry that this song is probably now stuck in your head lol

It really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  My clothes are a little tight but I'm not beating myself up, not feeling disgusted or anything else negative.  It happens.  Life happens.

If you are looking for one of those perfect weight loss people I am not one ;)  Let me say this again.....life happens.  We are human and I am here to let you know that while you need to take personal responsibility you can do it in a positive manner.  What happens when you get off track?  You let it go.  You make it a learning experience and move on.  Then get back to what you were doing before you got off track.

It makes for a bumpy ride on your journey but it sure is better than getting mad at yourself and totally giving up.

A before and during picture....I like 'em, y'all like 'em :)


I will always be a work in progress :)  So I'm moving on.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Weekly Musings & What's for Dinner

This past week has been a little too fun for me.  After I finished my math final exam I kinda celebrated a little too much with my kids....at the snoball stand, at the store, at home.  Then there was the 2 mom night out's I went to.  Painting nights at both :)  Which were awesome but I had ice cream, cake, muffuletta mini sandwiches, etc. Oh and my husband brought home donuts yesterday morning and I ate two, plus we went out for dinner with the kids and to the movies to see Guardians of the Galaxy.

To really sum it up, my eating absolutely sucked this past week so I'm owning it :)

The bright side?  I didn't let it turn into a mindless downward eating everything in sight spiral.  That spiral which I think we all know well.  The I-screwed-up-so-I-might-as-well-throw-in-the-towel-and-eat-everything-on-earth-just-because-I-wasn't-perfect spiral.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Would we smash our phone until it breaks because we accidentally dropped it?  I know I'd cry if I did that to my iPhone lol those suckers are expensive....so why don't we treat ourselves as something expensive too?

The other bright side is that I scored a 4.0 GPA my first semester back in college.  A freaking 4.0 GPA!  Having kids and staying home with them did not make me stupid lol (you know, don't use it lose it)  It still makes me want to dance around!  This makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, no matter the obstacles of my 13 year old son with Asperger's, my other two kiddos, my husband travelling for work at the most inconvenient and most stressful times, and whatever else life decides to throw at me!  And just because I went crazy with the exclamation marks in this paragraph !!!!!!!!!!!! *giggle*

This week for me is getting back to my basics.  Gotta keep it simple....eating lean meats, lots of veggies, fruit, whole grains, and healthy fats.  I'm also looking forward to the kids going back to school on Thursday (yeah, we start back early) so I can start over with running....which I haven't done in a while.  Should be painful but fun ;)

So what's for dinner this week?

Chicken Rollatini with Spinach - which my husband volunteered to cook tonight.  Nothing hotter than a man that cooks and cleans afterwards ;)

Spaghetti Pie

Skinny Chicken Enchiladas

Baked steelhead trout and sauteed zoodles (no recipe gang, just winging it)

Mushroom Parmesan Chicken with a salad

Grilled chicken (maybe steak too) and roasted/grilled veggies

Chicken Bacon Ranch Pasta


Don't forget that I'm running a Dietbet starting tomorrow (it's not too late to join!)
http://www.dietbetter.com/games/46921

And finally my quote of the week:



My question to you:
Have you stumbled recently?  How are you going to get back on track?